1-11-12

The wind is howling outside the windows. A cold front is coming in I think, or maybe it's just the wind.  We had wind like that in Oklahoma.  We don't in Texas. Where did the wind go? Does wind ever run out or does it just peter out?  Is there a place where wind dies on the map? Where did we get the expression peter out? Is it because of some poor guy? What an unfortunate way to be remembered.  To mean the sad slow end.  Poor Petie.  I had a bird named Petie once.  A parakeet.  He was green and yellow and I got him from my grandparents for Christmas.  What an odd gift for a 6 year old.  I had another bird later.  White and blue.  It died because I forgot to give it water.  I still can picture the sad little face of that dead bird and I just feel enormous guilt for it.  23 years later and I feel guilty for a sweet little parakeet.  I wonder what atrocities I've forgotten.  I'm sure there are people ready and willing to jump in and remind me of the things I did and said.  I don't really care.  Is that awful?  If they've held onto them this long then my apology isn't going to fix anything.  They're just determined to be angry.  I don't understand that kind of anger.  Mad over petty things.  Mad over big stuff, yes.  Little crap? let it go.  Life is way too short.  Look at me.  Half-way through my life more or less.  I haven't done half the things I set out to do in life, and that makes me really sad.  I'm not ready to be old.  Do you think anyone ever really is? Do you think old age just surprises you?  It just creeps up? Or do you think it comes on gradually and by the time it arrives is a welcome friend?